I Picked You Read online

  Rae was tired. It had been a really long day, especially after Abby and Carrie kept her out as late as they could the night before. On top of that, it was always an emotional few days as she geared up to getting Ollie and herself to the cottage. She was in a bit of a daze, soaking herself in their presence. Raina found her eye was drawn more specifically to the older kids who had changed dramatically in the short months since she’d last seen them. It was a wonder for her to watch them grow and imagine how much like them Oliver would be someday. More than half of them had the trademark Sawyer dimples, and they all had varying shades of golden brown skin accompanied by thick dark hair. She always thought they looked like an exotic type of royalty, with their generous height, handsome angular features and often broody expressions. Had this been a different time she liked to imagine Roman sculptors casting lots to receive the honor of carving them in stone. She sighed at the vision she’d created.

  “Aunt Rae.”

  She was startled out of her Roman fantasy by the soft hand resting on her forearm, guiding her back to the game. She settled back into the present, where all eyes were directed at her, and a hesitant expression accompanied the hand on her arm. Shanna, her partner, and Pete and Marie’s eldest daughter looked at her with pleading eyes. A full rotation around the table had occurred during Raina’s drifting; she had no idea what she’d missed or what she was supposed to do with her turn.

  Raina cleared her throat with a smile and did her best to exit the situation. “Sorry guys, what did I miss?”

  Shanna raised her hand to whisper in Raina’s ear. Across the table Dave was the first to pipe up in protest.

  “No way, that’s cheating! Back away from Aunt Rae, Shanna!”

  “There’s no chance for us to win anyway,” Shanna reasoned. But Dave, eyes twinkling with the smell of victory, cut her off before she could finish.

  “Then you have no need to cheat!” He sat at the head of the table with a satisfied grin. With victory now in his grasp, his dimples jumped to life, which drew a smile from Raina.

  Shanna stuck her tongue out as anyone the age of thirteen would do when defeated by a sneaky uncle. The rest of them just laughed and began to pack the game away. Raina pushed away from the table, suddenly exhausted from the long day.

  “What’s next?” She heard one of the boys ask.

  Shanna grabbed her arm just as she turned away from the table. “Aunt Rae.”

  “Yes, sweetie?” Raina smiled at her, raising a hand to brush Shanna’s hair behind her shoulder, suddenly noticing how close to her height Shanna had grown. When did she get so big? Raina was not tall by any standard, and certainly not when measured next to the Sawyers’, but she used to carry Shanna around like a doll. She shook her head because she should know as well as anyone, maybe more so, that time does continue when you’re not paying attention. Yet even though she knew this, it was still a little hard to digest how much she grew up between visits; she wouldn’t be a child much longer.

  “Can I stay with you tonight, like we did last time?” Her dimples made exclamation points on each side of her smile and her eyes twinkled as she waited for an answer.

  Trish heard the question and came to Raina’s rescue. “Shan, Aunt Rae has had a long day, how about tomorrow night after she gets some rest.”

  “I am pretty tired. I think I’m going to head to bed now, Shanna, but tomorrow for sure. I’m all yours; we can talk all night if you want!” Raina brushed her hand down the side of Shanna’s cheek in a simple gesture of love.

  Shana’s mouth didn’t falter as she hid her disappointment. Raina had to give her huge points for that. She also had to admit to herself that she felt old, guilty, really tired, and selfish for not accommodating her.

  “Okay. Love you, Aunt Rae. You better sleep well, I have so much to tell you,” she eagerly stated, before she wrapped her thin arms around Rae’s waist and squeezed tight.

  “Can’t wait!” she whispered, and watched Shanna skip over to the others.

  Trish took Raina’s hand and led her down the hall and stopped at the entrance of her room.

  “Remember when staying up all night was routine?” Rae asked, as the day’s length snuck up on her and unloaded itself with a heavy thud at her temples.

  “I don’t remember, and if my children ever ask you about it, I will flat out lie!” She grinned and Raina thought she didn’t look a day older than she had the first night they’d met some ten years earlier.

  “Try to get some sleep, sweetie.” She leaned into Raina, brushed the hair off her forehead and kissed the ugly line that scarred her forehead and disappeared into her hair.

  “Love you, Trish,” she whispered. Trish passed her and left her on her own to turn and close the bedroom door.

  Raina leaned her head back on the door and her eyes scanned the room in one quick circle. She was immediately swamped. So many memories in this place, more specifically, in this room that had been Mark’s long before they’d begun to share it. She fell into bed, and as she did, her hair splashed around her head like a fire-ringed halo. Tentative fingers reached her forehead without much thought. She was thankful that she was too tired to accommodate much emotion. Thankful too, that the previous two nights had been fraught with restlessness that wouldn’t permit sleep. She traced the curved line before she rolled over, hugged the pillow close, and fell into a deep, and thankfully, dreamless sleep.

  Later that night, after more games, more laughter and more food, the large yet cozy cottage sat quiet apart from a few whispered conversations.

  “I wish Raina didn’t always feel she had to be so strong when she was with us,” Sue whispered with a sigh escaping her lips. “Although, I guess it is something that she makes the effort to be here.”

  Allen gave Sue’s hand a squeeze before he gave her something to think about. “Raina is strong; it’s not a show she puts on for us. Look at what she’s done with her life since…well since Mark’s been gone.”

  Allen waited until he felt Sue’s grip on his hand loosen. The loss of Mark was still not something that was spoken of with any sort of ease. His absence was evidence enough without having to speak about it.

  “She comes because she loves us. She comes so Oliver can know us; she comes because this is where Mark still lives for her. It’s hardest for her to be here, anyone could see that in her. It’s where they first met, where so many of her memories began.”

  Sue nodded and bit her lip to ward off that truth as she pulled Allen’s arms around her. “I think…it’s just that, I miss her too. She’s not the same girl she once was. I know none of us are, really. But I don’t know how to talk to her anymore, and I guess I wish she could find her way back to us somehow. I couldn’t bear it if she was lost to us forever too.”

  Down the hall Dave and Trish were just starting to settle in for the night. Trish was arranging the half dozen pillows on the bed, while Dave leaned on the window casing watching her. She had always had that effect on him; he felt he could watch her for hours. She was his miracle and to him she was never more beautiful than when life was growing inside her. This would be their fourth and final installment and he wanted to forever remember how his wife was glowing with life.

  She was finally ready to sink into the bed and gather and prop the pillows to accommodate her. As she settled in, she caught the look of wonderment in Dave’s eyes.

  She smiled over at him and rubbed her hand on her belly as the one they had dubbed, the gymnast or gym, did flips and kicks to signal the start of its active night.

  He could see the movement through the thin nightshirt Trish was wearing as he joined her on the bed. He leaned his head in one hand and laid his other hand on her dancing belly.

  “You’re spectacular to look at.”

  He leaned in for a kiss and settled back to wait for her to share whatever was on her mind. After a while when she didn’t speak but continued to stare at the wall that separated their room from Raina’s, he vocalized his own thoughts.

&nb
sp; “I was wondering if there was anything we could do for Rae, she’s looking too thin and tired.”

  “She does look tired, but tomorrow will be a better day. She’s doing pretty well for the most part, but she gets all twisted up before she comes here.”

  “I guess that makes sense.” He pondered it and his eyes focused on the same wall. “Mark loved it here; they were on their way here that day.”

  Trish laced her fingers through Dave’s and their hands continued to rest on her belly. Her eyes misted as she watched her husband, she could almost see the memories flitting behind his unfocused eyes. He had loved his brother with fierceness and she knew there was a substantial hole in his heart that nothing could fill.

  “Ollie’s grown so much; he looks more like Mark every time I see him. He’s curious the way Mark was when he was small. All those questions used to drive me crazy.” Dave smiled sadly. “He never did learn to shut-up! There was always a story to tell.” He felt a small wave of what he could only describe as guilt, wash over him. “We need to spend more time with him.”

  “We need to spend more time with both of them.”

  Silence fell between them and they both drifted to sleep, lost in their own thoughts, in their own memories.

  And behind the next door Marie curled up closer to Pete, allowing her cold toes to rest in the warm space his legs had created.

  “I don’t know how we continue to think we can keep up with those kids. They didn’t even look tired,” Pete commented into Marie’s hair, as sleep started to descend.

  A low laugh came from her throat. “I had a brilliant idea this evening.”

  “And what would that be?”

  “Well,” she started, with a twinkle in her eye. “When the young ones are off at camp, your Dad plans to take Jake for a few days of fishing.”

  “Hmm,” was the only sound Pete could muster.

  “I was going to use those days for girl time with Shanna, but now I’m thinking Raina could use some babysitting help for a few days.”

  “Hmm,”

  Marie turned slightly and noticed where a swatch of moonlight fell on Pete’s face, that his eyes were closed. She smiled wickedly before she jammed a playful elbow into Pete’s ribs.

  “Hey!” he moaned, and rubbed at his wound. Marie just grinned down at him.

  “Did you hear what I said?”

  “Yeah. Shanna. Babysitting.”

  “You missed the most important point. All the children would be out of the house for four days… at the same time!”

  Pete’s sparkling blue eyes flashed open and swung over to meet Marie’s. Their smiles curled in perfect harmony.

  Chapter Five

  She was the first to wake in the morning. This wasn’t a surprise as she was likely the first person in the whole house to fall asleep. It was also her daily routine to wake at startlingly early hours. The sun was lazily creeping over the horizon; cloaking the house in the early morning glow of fragile orange light.

  At home she would shuffle downstairs after peeking in on Oliver and head to the garage that had been converted into an extension of the kitchen. In that steel and stone space, she would turn on the coffee without thinking. It was complete routine by now, though on any given day the menu would change. She would dump flour into the giant mixer, add water to the yeast she’d measured the day before and wait for it to proof.

  The coffee would be ready by then. She’d dump some milk in a cup before pouring coffee into it. It would swirl and grow darker until the mug was full. She’d smell and then sip, before crossing to the giant refrigerator where she would pull out the vegetables that would eventually be added to several different quiches. Once the chopping was done and everything was neatly placed in a variety of bowls, the pastry would be rolled out for the crusts.

  She’d finish the first cup of coffee without realizing it and move to the bread dough which needed to be transferred so it could rise. She would cross back to the coffee pot; fill the mug once more before starting up the gas burner to sauté the vegetables for the quiche. Once they were in the pan she would focus more deliberately on her morning drug as it slowly pulled her from the sleepy fog she so desperately wished she could cling to.

  But this morning she had nothing to do. She opened the door and stepped out into the screened porch where the coffee maker was set up. The air was heavy with moisture, the smell of dew, wet sand, wet woods and morning blowing leisurely through. The crickets and frogs had finished the climax of their symphony and were less eager to make their presence known as the dawning day hushed them into submission and the birds took over the territory.

  The view was spectacular, a promising mix of stimulation and relaxation. Taking the steaming cup of coffee, she walked down to the dock where she took full advantage of the empty lounge chairs that hung over the calm as glass expanse of water surrounding them.

  A deep and cleansing breath cast out the ghosts that had been haunting her for the past few days. She was being recharged by the warmth the waking sun offered and the peace that surrounded her. The full night of sleep had calmed her fragile core and she felt relatively in control of herself, though she fully understood that reality could shift quickly with the flash of memory. Overall, there had been no cloud of sadness hanging over this visit. It was interesting that instead of being swamped with emotions, it just felt like a piece of home, the home she had missed so terribly the past few years.

  She’d just finished the coffee when she heard footsteps and the accompanying sway of the dock over the water. A smile crossed her face as she anticipated Dave’s arrival. The two of them were always the early risers. They’d shared many a groggy morning coffee together in exactly this spot. When she turned to see if she was correct in believing it was Dave, she wasn’t disappointed.

  He took residence in the lounger next to hers. He sat silent for a moment absorbing the revelations of this new day and savoring the silence, partnered with the pleasure of a steaming cup of coffee.

  He stretched before turning to her with a wide and beaming smile that could only provoke her own in return.

  “Morning, sunshine!”

  “Morning,” she laughed back at him.

  “How’d you sleep?” he asked lightly, as he did a quick exam with his inquiring eyes.

  She shifted a bit in her own seat at his inspection. “Pretty great, actually. Better than I have in a while. Weird!”

  He didn’t respond, instead, he looked back into the expanse of water. They were silent again for a long while.

  “When’s the last time you went out for fun, Rae?”

  She looked at him and she was certain her face registered absolutely no understanding of the question. Dave smiled and then elaborated.

  “F.U.N. fun; I imagine the dictionary describes it something like: dancing, shopping, laughing, movies, the beach or whatever suits your fancy and infuses you with delight.”

  Raina continued to stare him down.

  “Whatever suits my fancy?” She laughed as she repeated the words her mind got stuck on.

  “Yeah, you know, whatever floats your boat, what does it for you. Give me a break, Rae, what do you do for fun?” He pushed his hand against her head as she continued to laugh at him.

  “I’m having fun right now!” she offered through a continued laugh. He raised an eyebrow and swallowed more coffee.

  “That’s not what I asked and you know it.”

  Her smile slowly faded. Yes, she did know it. Though she didn’t want more coffee, she refilled her mug, pouring from the carafe Dave brought down with him. When her cup was replenished and her hands were satisfyingly being warmed, she looked back over his way.

  “I went out with Abby and Carrie the other night.” She started to tell him but he scowled at her and she knew she wouldn’t get away with that. “It’s been a while. My idea of fun these days is five hours sleep.”

  Dave nodded in response. “I figured.”

  “I’ve been busy.”

  �
�No one is that busy, doll.”

  When she didn’t add to the conversation Dave continued without her.

  “Rae, seriously. When’s the last time you blasted the music loud and just let go? When’s the last time you even sat down and listened to music?”

  She sat motionless and let the tears come.

  “I’ll just say it and then we’ll move on, okay. I’ve only known one other person my entire life who loved music the way you do. I often wondered if you could feel it more than he could.”

  Raina bit her lip and shook her head. She didn’t want to be feeling this on this beautiful calm morning.

  “Mark would hate that you let yourself live in silence.”

  He watched her head snap up and was pleased to see some fire, a small flare that still had fight. He wished she would scream or yell and pound on him; it would sooth his conscience and let loose his own emotions.

  “It’s not the same without him.”

  Her voice was shaky and she didn’t put as much passion into it as he’d hoped she would, but it was a start, and in the very least she was being honest with him.

  “No, I don’t suppose it is.” Dave leaned forward in his chair and laid his hand on her knee. “When you go home, turn up the volume and feel it. Can you do that?”

  She couldn’t force her eyes to meet his. What she was feeling was too potent. The shame and loss, hurt and anger, bled into an ugly color behind her eyes. Thankfully, he gave her a moment to clear the mess that raged inside.

  “Did I ever tell you the first thing I noticed about you?”

  She pried red rimmed eyes from her coffee and squinted in his direction.

  “I was in the middle of trying to salvage a contract that I was being underbid on. The restaurant was full and it was loud. We were near the kitchen, which was the worst place for a business meeting because it was even louder there, but I hadn’t thought that through at the time. I have no idea what you were working on but your head chef was screaming at you.”

  She smiled remembering the craziness of that job.